It has taken me almost three months to return to my blog mostly because I couldn't bring myself to post what I knew I wanted to post before moving on with my life. And life does go on.
On December 24th at 1:30 in the afternoon, my dear Mama left this world for a much better place. I told people that she must have decided to go home for Christmas. I kept moving by taking care of all the things that needed to be taken care of....muddling through Christmas, cleaning out her apartment, sorting through her things, planning the Memorial Service, communicating with family. My sweet husband and kids were fantastic and it was so wonderful to have them around me.
And then it was over and life moved on. Except, I wasn't really moving on. Sometimes I still can barely put one foot in front of the other. And I haven't really accomplished much of anything since the Memorial Service was over. I KNOW that it was her time, I KNOW that she is in a better place, I KNOW it's all part of the plan, I KNOW about the plan of salvation and eternal families and yada-yada-yada. Truly, I'm not being blasphemous. It's just that my head and my heart have not been in the same place. I feel like an orphan. I miss her. I miss being able to see her whenever I wanted. I miss thinking of things that would please her and then doing them for her. I miss going to lunch and all the little outings and pedicures and small talk about....nothing. I miss seeing her face light up when ANYONE came to see her but especially the little kids. I miss giving her a hug and a kiss every time we said hello and goodbye.
My dear Mom had a rocky life but I learned some amazing lessons from her....how to cook, and iron and clean...how to work hard and be proud of hard work.....how to have fun when work was done....how to open my home and share what I have...how to be a gatherer...how to come to the rescue and how to sometimes allow you to rescue yourself....how to love unconditionally even when people don't deserve it....how to give and give and give and pretty much never say no....and how to CHOOSE to be happy and adapt to whatever life deals you. She had a happy demeanor and because of that, people liked to be around her....to the very end she had a happy demeanor. And she was grateful always thanking me for anything I did for her. Oh how I hope I can be like that when my time is up.
Don't get me wrong. She had her quirks and flaws. She loved to trash talk about people but she never meant any real harm, just a little idle gossip. We would get a good giggle out of her perspective. And I know we sometimes were irritated by some of her remarks but I don't really remember ever letting any of it get to me much. Heck, I even learned to enjoy watching sports on TV when I was with her. I was always proud that she was my Mom.
Everyone will have this experience eventually. I know I am not unique but I had NO idea how hard this would be. I think we are connected to our mothers is a way that is not just physical but deeply spiritual as well. I think there is a type of covenant relationship there and the physical separation is very difficult when that time comes. I know I will see her again and I honestly can't wait for that reunion, but for now...I just miss her. She was my Mom. I remember posting my one and only post on Facebook the day she died that I had a hole in my heart the size of the Grand Canyon. It's still there....but as I peer down into it, I know that the river still flows strong and true. And there is so very much that I have to be happy and grateful for. I'm quite certain that she was concerned about what she was going to be missing out on by her comment in her final moments of "but what about the babies"? She loved the little great grandkids and I think she wanted to be here for these next two but I suspect that she is doing a little tutoring on the other side, helping to prep them for what lies ahead. I think she is getting her cuddling and ooh-ing and ahh-ing in. And I have no doubt that she has influence in our lives and can and does observe what is going on here and now.
So...in honor of you, Mama...I am trying REALLY hard to CHOOSE to be happy. Sometimes it is easier than others but I'm putting on my game face and moving forward with a cheerful heart. And I have faith that at some point my heart and my head will again be in the same place. Until then, I'm ready to start documenting all those things that make me smile.
I love you, Mama!
XOXO
